Deepfake Video Portrays Bezos, Musk As Egomaniacs

A disturbing ‘deepfake’ video has gone viral on the internet today.  The eerily real looking ‘mockumentary’ portrays Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos as slightly nutty billionaire egomaniacs. 

In a hilariously OTT moment at the start of the clip, Elon Musk, (smoking weed, while discussing his own Rap single about a gorilla!) is heard calling Bill Gates “underwhelming” because he bought a Porsche rather than a Tesla.

The video takes a darker turn however when Musk is portrayed as a complete lunatic, claiming that he believes humanity might actually exist within a computer simulation akin to the Matrix.  “It would seem that the odds that we’re in ‘base reality’ is one in billions.” 

Jeff Bezos is also portrayed in a less than flattering light.  As the richest man in the world he obviously ensures that his company, Amazon, rewards its staff with very generous pay and benefits, however in the fake video it is implied that some staff work on zero hour contracts with harsh working conditions, all while he enjoys his vast wealth. 

The mockumentary suggests that rather than using his wealth to improve the lives of his employees, Bezos, like Musk, invest huge sums in ridiculous sounding companies involved in space travel as well as health start-ups whose aim is to ‘halt aging’ in humans with the goal to allow those with enough resources to live forever.  

In one particularly haunting moment, a smartly edited clip purports to show hundreds of employees apparently leaving an Amazon warehouse and walking up to 12 miles to get home to apartments they can’t afford to rent, while Bezos travels by helicopter to purchase another new house he doesn’t need for £127million (0.13% of his net worth). 

The video ends with a straight faced Musk stating that his own company ‘Space-X’, plans to send humans on a one-way trip to colonise Mars within the next decade! 

Obviously the video is a ridiculous work of fiction from start to finish, but the growing fear is that the technology being used to create these ‘deepfakes’ could be used maliciously to create more believable videos that would fool large numbers of people. 

Imagine for example a video showing a CNN news anchor openly laughing at and mocking conservatives.  If a video like that were to be believed by enough people the damage to the company’s reputation would undoubtably be huge and obviously the news anchor would lose their job. 

Ironically Elon Musk has spoken on a number of occasions about the dangers of artificial intelligence.  In his usual sensible and understated style he advised at a recent forum that “AI is our biggest existential threat” and that it is “more dangerous than nukes.” 

“With artificial intelligence we are summoning the demon. In all those stories where there’s the guy with the pentagram and the holy water, it’s like yeah he’s sure he can control the demon. Didn’t work out.”

Elon Musk

Parenting Techniques For 2020

Parenting experts are beginning to wonder if the ‘wooden spoon’ method may have some limitations in it’s utilisation in child discipline.  In controlled government funded testing, subjects have responded ‘inconsistently’ and numerous spoons have been broken in the process. 

Here are 6 other examples of tried and tested parenting techniques which may yield better results for your family in 2020:

  1. ‘Relaxation Corner’ Rather than sending your child to the ‘naughty step’ or putting them on a ‘time out’, a more positive disciplinary technique is to arrange a corner in your family room with a pillow, stress ball, punch bag, some non-lethal weapons etc, so that the child can ‘express their feelings’.
  2. ‘Sleepy Bobo’ – This method is consistently effective regardless of the child’s age.  Simply dissolve some sleeping tablets in their favourite drink*. 

*If their favourite drink is Red Bull, results can vary.

  1. ‘5/50’ – Parent can only use 5 words to get the child to time out, i.e. “Timeout NOW, you little brat!” (shaking clenched fist as you spit the words through gritted teeth) and put the child in time out for 50 seconds. The purpose is to avoid engaging in a power struggle with your child.
  2. ‘When-Then’ – Child is rewarded once he follows through on a specific behaviour i.e. “When you finish your dinner, then you can go back to sweeping the warehouse.”
  3. ‘Broken Record’ – Parent simply repeats the same phrase as though suffering a mental breakdown until the child resorts to entertaining themselves.  If you know any random phrases in a foreign language, this is the time to utilise this dormant knowledge as speaking in tongues is especially effective here.
  4. ‘Plastic Spoons’ – Only as effective as wooden spoons, but much more durable.  Considerably more damaging in the long term, contributing to growing problem of ocean plastics.

UK Government Struggles To Spend Brexit Windfall

Britain is going to be £10.7 Trillion richer every year after stopping payments to the EU, but it’s hard to imagine that there’s any real need for the extra cash.

The prime minister is coming under increasing pressure to detail how the money will be spent, with some suggesting we should just continue making Aid payments to our poorer European neighbours.

The NHS is currently in great shape and in no need of extra funding (A&E waiting times are currently well below the 4 day target). The UK’s road network and general infrastructure are also world-leading, so it’s hard to see where the extra billions will go.

“We will continue to fund HS2 for a start”, Mr Johnson announced, “That’s likely to use up an additional £5 billion or so per year for the next 35-175 years.

“But I think we need a huge ‘flagship’ project to sink much larger sums of money into. That’s where the Northern Ireland to Scotland bridge comes in. After some consultations we understand that from an engineering point of view the scheme is definitely impossible, which makes it particularly appealing.

“We will start building at each end and when Scotland leave the UK to rejoin the EU we can blame them for the ultimate failure of the project.

“…that was off the record by the way. Off the record, you understand?”

“I Love Cows”

After winning the Oscar for Best Actor last night, Joaquin Pheonix made a humble and eloquent speech calling for an end to injustice against cows. 

Cows

“I’m full of so much gratitude now. I do not feel elevated above any of my fellow nominees or anyone in this room, because we share the same love – that’s the love of cows.”

He went on to say that his career in acting had given him an extraordinary life with may privileges and opportunities.

“..but I think the greatest gift that it’s given me, and many people in [this industry] is the opportunity to use our voice for the voiceless. Cows probably do communicate with each other by mooing, but for many cows English wouldn’t be their first language.”

He condemned the attitude of entitlement on display around the world as people continue to plunder the earth for its natural resources.  His harshest criticism appeared to be reserved for dairy farmers for the way they take milk from cows without gaining consent from the animal, to provide nourishment for their own children, again without any formal written consent from the infant.

He concluded with an impassioned call for change, citing himself as an example to be followed.

“We fear the idea of personal change, because we think we need to sacrifice something; to give something up. But human beings at our best are so creative and inventive.  I only use water in my cereal now, and have done so for many weeks. 

“I have been a scoundrel all my life, I’ve been selfish. I’ve been cruel at times, putting milk on my cereal, sometimes even in my coffee and I’m grateful that so many of you in this room have given me a second chance.”

As he returned to his seat, applause erupted, with many actors seen reacting to his speech with tears.

I have approached a number of dairy farmers for comment but at time of publishing none that I had spoken to showed any indication that they knew, or indeed cared who Joaquin Pheonix was. 

One local farmer commented, ”I don’t know who he is, but he sounds like a joker to me.”

Pelosi’s Adviser Speaks Out

Nancy Pelosi’s adviser has spoken out publicly AGAINST the Speaker, stating that she did NOT support her decision to rip up the president’s State Of The Union speech.

“In my email I advised Nancy that it might be good for public perception if she could conjure some human emotion and ‘tear up’ when the president finished his speech. I was as shocked as everyone else when she started to tear up the speech.

“It has certainly been a lesson learned for me – avoid homonyms when writing emails!!”

BREAKING – Brexit Party members to be quarantined for 14 days on returning from European Parliament.

A Ministry of Defence spokesperson has advised that members of the Brexit party returning from the European Parliament will be quarantined and monitored for 14 days in military facilities. “This is a necessary precaution to protect against the spread of dangerous ideas.”

They have advised the public to remain calm. “These are standard proceedures. The graves have only been prepared as a last resort.”

It Was Nice While It Lasted, So It Was

Over the last week there have been encouraging signs in Northern Ireland politics, but the positivity is quickly evaporating as a number of new issues come to light.  

Agreement had been reached to form a new executive at Stormont, but after being advised that it would cost approximately £735bn to get the country going again, the UK government has agreed to provide just £1bn.  

Local MLA’s voiced their concerns at the figure.  “That amount probably won’t even cover reimbursing us for accrued holiday entitlement over the last 3 years, nevermind addressing nurses pay, or waiting times!”  (Waiting times in Northern Ireland barber shops are among the worst in the UK and frequently go beyond the 4-hour target.)

Now, following an even more troubling revelation, Stormont looks set to close its doors again, barely one week after parties agreed a deal.

Sinn Fein have expressed their excitement after another financial scandal centering around the DUP has been uncovered.  

Today it emerged that over the past 3 years, the Guardian, in partnership with Belfast Live, have been conducting a special investigation into a number of DUP members and their financial arrangements.  

The investigation has revealed that a large number of current and past MLA’s have been detected signing up for consecutive 1-month free trials on both Amazon Prime and Netflix services, using multiple Gmail accounts.

When questioned, Arlene Foster denied having any knowledge of such a loophole but has defended her party in a statement this afternoon.  “While I do not condone this, I would urge calm, and ask the public not to play into the hands of those who want to demonise the DUP.”  

“Consideration should also be given to the context and timing of this.  Over the last 3 years there has been no assembly at stormont, and Prime Video in particular, does provide a large library of original and exclusive films, and box sets, which I know many MLA’s from all parties have found invaluable in passing the time.”

Michelle O’Neill made an official televised statement on behalf of her party, in which she shouted, “This has always been a red line for Sinn Fein!  The ‘TV-For-Free’ scandal directly undermines the Good Friday Agreement. Arlene Foster must stand aside to allow a full inquiry to be set up.”

In response, Gregory Campbell blasted Sinn Fein for what he branded their ‘hypocrisy’, saying, “Do not forget, it was Sinn Fein who repeatedly,  failed to condemn the widespread supply of cracked Fire Sticks, pre-loaded with Kodi, into their own community.”  

Amazon were also quick to comment on the crisis.  In a tweet the company advised that it “would continue to deliver for the people of Northern Ireland.” *  

“Don’t give up! I believe in you all. A person’s a person, no matter how small! And you very small persons will not have to die. If you make yourselves heard! So come on, now, and TRY!”

Boris Johnson

In other news, a 33 year old man has been shot in both legs in a ‘paramilitary style’ attack for posting fake news stories and “all kinds of dumb content” on his blog.  

MLA’s from both sides of the community, (and neither), have been careful to show a united front.  “We stand together, and in full support of the gunman in this instance. This is a quiet and sensible community and we hope this serves as a lesson to avoid this kind of silly behaviour.”  

*Sometimes UK delivery does not include Northern Ireland and additional charges may apply.  

Harry and Meghan Do Runner

It’s been a big week for Harry and Meghan!

The Royal Family have been completely blindsided and are said to be “hurt” at the Duchess of Sussex and husband Harry’s announcement that after “many months of reflection and internal discussions”, they will be managing their own Instagram.

It is understood they did not consult the queen.

In a rather short statement, the palace said there were “complicated issues” to work through. “They will probably need a new username and password and stuff.”

Harry also said they intend “to step back as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family, and work to become financially minted”.

Despite the couple’s decision, Harry will remain sixth in line to the throne. Meghan has previously stated that were Harry to ascend the throne they will be making a trip to IKEA as the current chair is a “mingin’ gold colour.”

They now plan to split their time between the UK and North America, while “continuing to honour our duty to the Queen, the Commonwealth, and the destruction of the british tabloid media.”

“This geographic balance will enable us to raise our son with an appreciation for the royal tradition into which he was born, while also providing us with a good excuse not to have any more than the absolute minimum contact with Harry’s family, …I mean, do charity work.” Meghan said.

Meghan had recently opened up about her struggles with royal life and shared that her friends actually tried to warn her not to marry Harry. “My American friends were really excited that I was going to be a princess but some of my British friends were like, “Do you realise he’s ginger?” “They warned me it would ruin my life.”

“In all fairness, I had no idea just how ginger, which probably sounds difficult to understand,” she continues, “Because I’m american, I very naively didn’t get it.”

Interesting and exciting times lie ahead for the couple. At publishing time they have yet to post a ‘Which Disney Are You?’ Instagram story.

“Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.”

HM Queen Elizabeth II

Tensions in the Middle East

It seems the world has been repeatedly rocked this week by news story after shocking news story.  I’ve decided to write this brief post, hopefully providing a clear and calm reflection, to help make sense of what’s been happening.    

Firstly, in a very impulsive move, which is feared may jeopardise years of efforts to stabilise the Middle East, and potentially escalate tensions around the world, a UK judge has ruled that ‘ethical veganism’ is a ‘philosophical belief’ and so is protected in law.  It is understood the prime minister was not informed in advance of the tribunal’s shock ruling, but Mr Johnson has urged all parties to de-escalate while potential consequences are analysed. 

The US military also sent shock-waves through the political world after it carried out a targeted drone strike which killed Iranian Major General, Qasem Soleimani.  

Hillary Clinton questioned the wisdom of the strike.  “People should be allowed to express themselves in any way they want, and identify as whatever kind of person they want to be.  Labelling someone a ‘terrorist’ could be very damaging, not only for the individual, but also for their followers. Tolerance is key.  Love and compassion is what this world needs more of.”  

Without pausing for breath she continued, “I hope Trump dies soon.”  “If the impeachment is unsuccessful, a drone strike should not be taken off the table.” 

Iran have been quick to vow ‘severe revenge’ for the reckless decision by Queens University, Belfast, in appointing Mrs Clinton as Chancellor. 

*The details of this next story may be upsetting for some readers*

Finally, in probably the most shocking and disturbing story of the week it now seems inevitable that after 30 years, Liverpool will win the league. 

Civil war seems the most likely outcome if this happens, but for now people are being urged to stay positive, and to pray that the team might suffer serious and numerous injuries in the second half of the season.

We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.”

Gandhi

Point Of No Return?

New warnings issued by experts who say tipping points are ‘dangerously close’.

World leaders are gathered again for a United Nations summit amid growing concerns over the crisis facing the globe.

“The point of no return is no longer over the horizon.”

Top scientists are warning that we are closer to reaching crucial ‘tipping points’ than was previously thought. It is believed the consequences of triggering certain tipping points may already be being felt.

Chart

As the chart above proves beyond any doubt, even a slight rise in the number of tweets questioning the logic, or effectiveness, of the ‘School Strike For Climate’ could push Greta Thunberg’s advisers and supporters to tears, triggering an immediate rise in salt water levels around the world. “The science is settled and this rise in sea levels will undoubtedly have a much more drastic affect on the younger generation, as they tend to be smaller.”

It is believed just a single blog post adopting a mocking tone could be catastrophic for the planet.

Greta has been variously criticised for not smiling enough, or for threatening deniers with setting their house on fire, but she stands by her statements. “How can they continue to deny the science when the evidence has been shared online for all to see?  If time travel is ‘fake science’ then how do they explain the photo of me in the Yukon goldmine?”

#fridaysforbacktothefuture

“This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be up here. I should be back in school, on the other side of the ocean.”

Greta Thunberg, TIME Magazine Person of the Year 1898.