Covid-19 Polls Higher Than Remaining Democrat Candidates

Following the latest televised debate one latecomer candidate has been skyrocketing in popularity.

Presidential Hopeful

In the last few hours Coronavirus has been topping the polls in terms of economic policies and moral issues.  It has a clean record on sexism in the workplace and although not without flaws, its history is well documented meaning damaging, last-minute revelations are thought to be unlikely. 

When compared to the remaining candidates Covid-19 does seem to have them beaten on most issues.  It proudly represents all the values the average democrat voter is looking for:

  • Not a billionaire
  • Not as annoying as Elizabeth Warren
  • Infectious personality
  • Contagious energy
  • Has never supported ‘stop-and-frisk’
  • Strong relationship with China
  • Less creepy than Biden
  • Better healthcare plan than Buttigieg
  • Lives and works in middle class neighbourhoods
  • No plans to make Hillary Clinton a running mate
  • Immune to ‘suicide’
  • Globalist, in favour of open borders
  • Strong focus on the weak and elderly members of society
  • Places no value on the life of unborn babies   
  • Not a white male

Senior people in the party are thought to be fast reaching a consensus, with one member saying, “I think when everything is taken into account, Covid is our least polarising candidate and the one who I think most voters will be able get behind.

“Remember the priority is to get rid of Trump.  Anything is better than Trump.”

The aspiring global pandemic and democratic presidential hopeful is reported to have offered to host the next debate on a cruise ship. 

“Not all Democrats are the same.”

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

UK Government Struggles To Spend Brexit Windfall

Britain is going to be £10.7 Trillion richer every year after stopping payments to the EU, but it’s hard to imagine that there’s any real need for the extra cash.

The prime minister is coming under increasing pressure to detail how the money will be spent, with some suggesting we should just continue making Aid payments to our poorer European neighbours.

The NHS is currently in great shape and in no need of extra funding (A&E waiting times are currently well below the 4 day target). The UK’s road network and general infrastructure are also world-leading, so it’s hard to see where the extra billions will go.

“We will continue to fund HS2 for a start”, Mr Johnson announced, “That’s likely to use up an additional £5 billion or so per year for the next 35-175 years.

“But I think we need a huge ‘flagship’ project to sink much larger sums of money into. That’s where the Northern Ireland to Scotland bridge comes in. After some consultations we understand that from an engineering point of view the scheme is definitely impossible, which makes it particularly appealing.

“We will start building at each end and when Scotland leave the UK to rejoin the EU we can blame them for the ultimate failure of the project.

“…that was off the record by the way. Off the record, you understand?”

Pelosi’s Adviser Speaks Out

Nancy Pelosi’s adviser has spoken out publicly AGAINST the Speaker, stating that she did NOT support her decision to rip up the president’s State Of The Union speech.

“In my email I advised Nancy that it might be good for public perception if she could conjure some human emotion and ‘tear up’ when the president finished his speech. I was as shocked as everyone else when she started to tear up the speech.

“It has certainly been a lesson learned for me – avoid homonyms when writing emails!!”

BREAKING – Brexit Party members to be quarantined for 14 days on returning from European Parliament.

A Ministry of Defence spokesperson has advised that members of the Brexit party returning from the European Parliament will be quarantined and monitored for 14 days in military facilities. “This is a necessary precaution to protect against the spread of dangerous ideas.”

They have advised the public to remain calm. “These are standard proceedures. The graves have only been prepared as a last resort.”

Davos 2020 Review

The World Economic Forum meets each year in Davos-Klosters and is the ‘foremost creative force for engaging the world’s top leaders in collaborative activities to shape the global, regional and industry agendas’.  The gathering is generally acknowledged by the mainsteam media as the Illuminati operating in plain sight.  

Here are some of the highlights so far:

The theme for Davos 2020 is ‘Stakeholders for a Cohesive and Sustainable World’. 

With a main focus being on sustainability, many of those invited are not expected to arrive for a few weeks as, motivated by ‘Flight Shame’, they endeavor to travel using only sustainable means of transport.  

Even as many world leaders were still cycling towards Davos, Greta Thunberg took to the stage to deliver another withering attack on their efforts.  “Your quads should be burning right now…like, really on fire!” “You should be dying to stand up. You should really, really want to, but I’m not going to let you!” 

Prince Charles, was introduced to Ms Thunberg backstage and took the opportunity to ask if she would be willing to take on the role of Duchess of Sussex.  She reportedly responded positively to the idea, but said she would have to ask her dad.  

In a surprise appearance at the forum, Lego executives have announced the company will stop using plastic to manufacture it’s famous bricks and will instead be using recycled toilet paper.  “Following the success of McDonalds’ switch to paper straws we simply could no longer justify the quantity of plastic produced or the number of horrific foot injuries inflicted each and every day.”  The company has also advised owners of the legacy plastic ‘death’ bricks on responsible methods to dispose of them. “Do not throw them in the ocean, if possible.”

Shark stepping on a Lego

Donald Trump, still at odds with many on the issue of climate change, used the forum primarily to promote the deal he has signed with China.  “This is by far the biggest and most comprehensive deal made in the history of our country and even the world. We have signed an agreement that is not only historic in terms of trade but also includes a firm commitment from China to investigate corruption relating to Joe and Hunter Biden.”  “You should all be feeling very grateful.”

Canadian Immigration is increasing at an alarming rate after a husband and wife recently relocated to the country with their baby son.  This is a 300% increase on last year, and the country is contemplating declaring a state of emergency. “We may have to consider building a border wall, although we would make the United Kingdom pay for it.”  

Boris Johnson is notably absent at Davos this year, and the only member of his cabinet to attend –Sajid Javid the chancellor, is keeping a relatively low profile.  When asked why Mr Johnson had failed to attend Mr Javid declined to offer any explanation.  (Mr Johnson was photographed just last night in the back garden of Number 10, putting the finishing touches to a wooden model of a London bus).

Appearing to be more interested in promoting the UK government’s recently set up ‘GoFundMe’ page for the HS2 high speed rail project, Mr Javid said “We are asking countries to donate generously while at the same time reminding everyone that we still have nuclear capability.”

“Dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… our freedom!”

Donald Trump

It Was Nice While It Lasted, So It Was

Over the last week there have been encouraging signs in Northern Ireland politics, but the positivity is quickly evaporating as a number of new issues come to light.  

Agreement had been reached to form a new executive at Stormont, but after being advised that it would cost approximately £735bn to get the country going again, the UK government has agreed to provide just £1bn.  

Local MLA’s voiced their concerns at the figure.  “That amount probably won’t even cover reimbursing us for accrued holiday entitlement over the last 3 years, nevermind addressing nurses pay, or waiting times!”  (Waiting times in Northern Ireland barber shops are among the worst in the UK and frequently go beyond the 4-hour target.)

Now, following an even more troubling revelation, Stormont looks set to close its doors again, barely one week after parties agreed a deal.

Sinn Fein have expressed their excitement after another financial scandal centering around the DUP has been uncovered.  

Today it emerged that over the past 3 years, the Guardian, in partnership with Belfast Live, have been conducting a special investigation into a number of DUP members and their financial arrangements.  

The investigation has revealed that a large number of current and past MLA’s have been detected signing up for consecutive 1-month free trials on both Amazon Prime and Netflix services, using multiple Gmail accounts.

When questioned, Arlene Foster denied having any knowledge of such a loophole but has defended her party in a statement this afternoon.  “While I do not condone this, I would urge calm, and ask the public not to play into the hands of those who want to demonise the DUP.”  

“Consideration should also be given to the context and timing of this.  Over the last 3 years there has been no assembly at stormont, and Prime Video in particular, does provide a large library of original and exclusive films, and box sets, which I know many MLA’s from all parties have found invaluable in passing the time.”

Michelle O’Neill made an official televised statement on behalf of her party, in which she shouted, “This has always been a red line for Sinn Fein!  The ‘TV-For-Free’ scandal directly undermines the Good Friday Agreement. Arlene Foster must stand aside to allow a full inquiry to be set up.”

In response, Gregory Campbell blasted Sinn Fein for what he branded their ‘hypocrisy’, saying, “Do not forget, it was Sinn Fein who repeatedly,  failed to condemn the widespread supply of cracked Fire Sticks, pre-loaded with Kodi, into their own community.”  

Amazon were also quick to comment on the crisis.  In a tweet the company advised that it “would continue to deliver for the people of Northern Ireland.” *  

“Don’t give up! I believe in you all. A person’s a person, no matter how small! And you very small persons will not have to die. If you make yourselves heard! So come on, now, and TRY!”

Boris Johnson

In other news, a 33 year old man has been shot in both legs in a ‘paramilitary style’ attack for posting fake news stories and “all kinds of dumb content” on his blog.  

MLA’s from both sides of the community, (and neither), have been careful to show a united front.  “We stand together, and in full support of the gunman in this instance. This is a quiet and sensible community and we hope this serves as a lesson to avoid this kind of silly behaviour.”  

*Sometimes UK delivery does not include Northern Ireland and additional charges may apply.  

Murder Inquiry – Entire Town In Shock

Residents have spoken of their shock and anger after a murder investigation was launched following a fatal attack in a quiet residential area.

Neighbours told reporters they were “shocked” that an incident such as this could have happened in such “a quiet area”.

One family, who only moved into a property close to the scene earlier last month said they could not believe what had happened.  “We’ve only just moved into the area earlier this month and we can’t believe what has happened.”

Another resident said: “I’m working the night shift so I didn’t hear anything until this morning.”

“It’s a very good area, so to hear about this it’s definitely very shocking. I’ve lived in Baghdad for 10 years and I’ve never seen or heard of anything like this happening before.”

Investigations are still at an early stage, however officials would like to speak to anyone who was in the area at the time of this incident. 

“Were you passing through or did you notice anyone acting in a manner that was untoward? Any information you have could be pivotal to our investigation.” 


Global peace has broken out as investigations conclude that US military were behind the hit on universally loved and respected General Soleimani.  Governments and leaders from around the world sign universal peace accord acknowledging that all evil in the world stems from ‘he who must not be named’ (codename: OrangeMan / OM).  

Former supreme leader of North Korea, now news presenter for Blanket Broadcasting Corporation, Kim, read a statement on behalf of Earthempire President, Juncker:  

“Under ‘water based’ interrogation ‘OM’ has admitted full responsibility for all the bad in the world, including provoking world leaders to anger, causing them to act out of character, and inevitably committing untold atrocities.  

“Specific disasters we can now hold him fully accountable for include WWII, the Irish Potato Famine, and more recently imposing VAR on the English Premier League.”

“If you love someone tell them, because hearts are often broken by unspoken words.”

Vlad the Impaler

Tensions in the Middle East

It seems the world has been repeatedly rocked this week by news story after shocking news story.  I’ve decided to write this brief post, hopefully providing a clear and calm reflection, to help make sense of what’s been happening.    

Firstly, in a very impulsive move, which is feared may jeopardise years of efforts to stabilise the Middle East, and potentially escalate tensions around the world, a UK judge has ruled that ‘ethical veganism’ is a ‘philosophical belief’ and so is protected in law.  It is understood the prime minister was not informed in advance of the tribunal’s shock ruling, but Mr Johnson has urged all parties to de-escalate while potential consequences are analysed. 

The US military also sent shock-waves through the political world after it carried out a targeted drone strike which killed Iranian Major General, Qasem Soleimani.  

Hillary Clinton questioned the wisdom of the strike.  “People should be allowed to express themselves in any way they want, and identify as whatever kind of person they want to be.  Labelling someone a ‘terrorist’ could be very damaging, not only for the individual, but also for their followers. Tolerance is key.  Love and compassion is what this world needs more of.”  

Without pausing for breath she continued, “I hope Trump dies soon.”  “If the impeachment is unsuccessful, a drone strike should not be taken off the table.” 

Iran have been quick to vow ‘severe revenge’ for the reckless decision by Queens University, Belfast, in appointing Mrs Clinton as Chancellor. 

*The details of this next story may be upsetting for some readers*

Finally, in probably the most shocking and disturbing story of the week it now seems inevitable that after 30 years, Liverpool will win the league. 

Civil war seems the most likely outcome if this happens, but for now people are being urged to stay positive, and to pray that the team might suffer serious and numerous injuries in the second half of the season.

We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.”


The Trouble With Northern Ireland

The people of Northern Ireland have a tendency to be overly negative and focus too much on problems.  It’s widely believed that we are just a bunch of whingers. Let’s correct that here. Read on.

Depending on who you ask you are likely to hear a variety of opinions on what the main ‘problems’ are in Northern Ireland.  Some people will refer to the historic, but still visible and deeply-ingrained, social divide between Goths and Steeks (sections of the peace wall are still visible in parts of Belfast).  For others, it’s the damp climate, and for many of our younger generation, it’s Northern Ireland’s perceived backwards, or ‘behind the times’ lack of Krispy Kreme.   

These are valid and serious concerns, but I would like to present a more positive picture here.  I think, if we ignore Larne for a minute, we might discover that this wee country actually has a lot going for it!

I have to admit the thought of Larne has made me lose my train of thought a bit.

..there is also the lack of a local government; the mystery ‘Backstop’; over-reliance on the public sector for jobs;  the arguments around language; flags. The weather is pretty miserable when you think about it. Larne..

Sorry. Let’s try to get back to positives..

A new rapid transit service was recently introduced in Belfast and, I think, as well as improving public transport into the city, it also serves as a metaphor for the political progress being made in Northern Ireland.  The Glider I’m currently on has performed an emergency stop. Many of the older/more vulnerable passengers have obviously been affected the worst, while the rest of us are being held up and getting increasingly frustrated.  

Metaphors aside, the Glider has a very distinctive design with it’s passenger space divided roughly into 48% and 45% sections with 7% in the middle.  The drivers remain completely out of touch with everyone except other drivers, while power is shared equally between a diesel engine and an electric motor.  The long term wisdom of this decision has yet to be determined. It’s purple, with free WiFi.

If you can think of some more ‘NI positives’ and you’d like to email them to me I will try and include them in a future post.

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”

George W. Bush

Gun Control

Figure 1 – Gun

I know this is a sensitive subject which needs to be handled with care.  I also realise it’s an issue which some of my American readers in particular may find divisive.  

However, despite the heated – sometimes very heated nature of the debate it still deserves to be given attention and I’m not going to shy away from a topic just because it could get me killed.  True journalism is brave. I’m not looking for hero status, it’s just part of the job. Read on:

Having researched the issue and listened to arguments from all sides, I have discovered that, surprisingly, there already is a tried and tested, actually proven, solution.   It seems very clear, obvious even, and it’s strange to me that this issue has become so politicised over the years.  Let’s look at some facts:

When it comes to gun control there are actually 5 fundamental elements to consider:

  1. Aim: Align your sight with the target. Keep both eyes open to ease focusing and reduce eye strain.  Keep your aiming time brief. 
  2. Control Your Breathing: Your breathing can move the firearm just enough to throw off your shot.  When you’re ready to shoot, draw a deep breath and exhale about half of it.  Hold your breath as you squeeze the trigger.
  3. Hold Your Aim: Learning to hold the firearm steady is a challenge. Rather than attempting to eliminate all movement, try to focus any necessary movement on the target to minimise the area of movement.
  4. Squeeze the Trigger: Jerking the trigger or abruptly clenching the trigger hand can move the gun enough to cause a miss.  To squeeze the trigger without jarring the gun, simply apply slow, steady pressure until the gun fires.
  5. Follow Through: After the bullet fires, be sure to continue the squeeze or follow-through to avoid jerking the gun before the bullet leaves the barrel.

One commonly used gun control technique is the B.R.A.S.S. technique. It stands for:

Breathe; Relax; Aim; Squeeze the trigger; Squeeze more (for follow-through)

I hope this helps to clarify the issue for some, or at least opens it up for further debate.  Open dialogue is vital for democracy. And democracy is a system of government by the whole population, or all the eligible members of a state, typically through elected representatives.

“When the seagulls follow the trawler, it’s because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.”

Eric Cantona