UK Government Struggles To Spend Brexit Windfall

Britain is going to be £10.7 Trillion richer every year after stopping payments to the EU, but it’s hard to imagine that there’s any real need for the extra cash.

The prime minister is coming under increasing pressure to detail how the money will be spent, with some suggesting we should just continue making Aid payments to our poorer European neighbours.

The NHS is currently in great shape and in no need of extra funding (A&E waiting times are currently well below the 4 day target). The UK’s road network and general infrastructure are also world-leading, so it’s hard to see where the extra billions will go.

“We will continue to fund HS2 for a start”, Mr Johnson announced, “That’s likely to use up an additional £5 billion or so per year for the next 35-175 years.

“But I think we need a huge ‘flagship’ project to sink much larger sums of money into. That’s where the Northern Ireland to Scotland bridge comes in. After some consultations we understand that from an engineering point of view the scheme is definitely impossible, which makes it particularly appealing.

“We will start building at each end and when Scotland leave the UK to rejoin the EU we can blame them for the ultimate failure of the project.

“…that was off the record by the way. Off the record, you understand?”

Davos 2020 Review

The World Economic Forum meets each year in Davos-Klosters and is the ‘foremost creative force for engaging the world’s top leaders in collaborative activities to shape the global, regional and industry agendas’.  The gathering is generally acknowledged by the mainsteam media as the Illuminati operating in plain sight.  

Here are some of the highlights so far:

The theme for Davos 2020 is ‘Stakeholders for a Cohesive and Sustainable World’. 

With a main focus being on sustainability, many of those invited are not expected to arrive for a few weeks as, motivated by ‘Flight Shame’, they endeavor to travel using only sustainable means of transport.  

Even as many world leaders were still cycling towards Davos, Greta Thunberg took to the stage to deliver another withering attack on their efforts.  “Your quads should be burning right now…like, really on fire!” “You should be dying to stand up. You should really, really want to, but I’m not going to let you!” 

Prince Charles, was introduced to Ms Thunberg backstage and took the opportunity to ask if she would be willing to take on the role of Duchess of Sussex.  She reportedly responded positively to the idea, but said she would have to ask her dad.  

In a surprise appearance at the forum, Lego executives have announced the company will stop using plastic to manufacture it’s famous bricks and will instead be using recycled toilet paper.  “Following the success of McDonalds’ switch to paper straws we simply could no longer justify the quantity of plastic produced or the number of horrific foot injuries inflicted each and every day.”  The company has also advised owners of the legacy plastic ‘death’ bricks on responsible methods to dispose of them. “Do not throw them in the ocean, if possible.”

Shark stepping on a Lego

Donald Trump, still at odds with many on the issue of climate change, used the forum primarily to promote the deal he has signed with China.  “This is by far the biggest and most comprehensive deal made in the history of our country and even the world. We have signed an agreement that is not only historic in terms of trade but also includes a firm commitment from China to investigate corruption relating to Joe and Hunter Biden.”  “You should all be feeling very grateful.”

Canadian Immigration is increasing at an alarming rate after a husband and wife recently relocated to the country with their baby son.  This is a 300% increase on last year, and the country is contemplating declaring a state of emergency. “We may have to consider building a border wall, although we would make the United Kingdom pay for it.”  

Boris Johnson is notably absent at Davos this year, and the only member of his cabinet to attend –Sajid Javid the chancellor, is keeping a relatively low profile.  When asked why Mr Johnson had failed to attend Mr Javid declined to offer any explanation.  (Mr Johnson was photographed just last night in the back garden of Number 10, putting the finishing touches to a wooden model of a London bus).

Appearing to be more interested in promoting the UK government’s recently set up ‘GoFundMe’ page for the HS2 high speed rail project, Mr Javid said “We are asking countries to donate generously while at the same time reminding everyone that we still have nuclear capability.”

“Dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… our freedom!”

Donald Trump