Parenting Techniques For 2020

Parenting experts are beginning to wonder if the ‘wooden spoon’ method may have some limitations in it’s utilisation in child discipline.  In controlled government funded testing, subjects have responded ‘inconsistently’ and numerous spoons have been broken in the process. 

Here are 6 other examples of tried and tested parenting techniques which may yield better results for your family in 2020:

  1. ‘Relaxation Corner’ Rather than sending your child to the ‘naughty step’ or putting them on a ‘time out’, a more positive disciplinary technique is to arrange a corner in your family room with a pillow, stress ball, punch bag, some non-lethal weapons etc, so that the child can ‘express their feelings’.
  2. ‘Sleepy Bobo’ – This method is consistently effective regardless of the child’s age.  Simply dissolve some sleeping tablets in their favourite drink*. 

*If their favourite drink is Red Bull, results can vary.

  1. ‘5/50’ – Parent can only use 5 words to get the child to time out, i.e. “Timeout NOW, you little brat!” (shaking clenched fist as you spit the words through gritted teeth) and put the child in time out for 50 seconds. The purpose is to avoid engaging in a power struggle with your child.
  2. ‘When-Then’ – Child is rewarded once he follows through on a specific behaviour i.e. “When you finish your dinner, then you can go back to sweeping the warehouse.”
  3. ‘Broken Record’ – Parent simply repeats the same phrase as though suffering a mental breakdown until the child resorts to entertaining themselves.  If you know any random phrases in a foreign language, this is the time to utilise this dormant knowledge as speaking in tongues is especially effective here.
  4. ‘Plastic Spoons’ – Only as effective as wooden spoons, but much more durable.  Considerably more damaging in the long term, contributing to growing problem of ocean plastics.

Point Of No Return?

New warnings issued by experts who say tipping points are ‘dangerously close’.

World leaders are gathered again for a United Nations summit amid growing concerns over the crisis facing the globe.

“The point of no return is no longer over the horizon.”

Top scientists are warning that we are closer to reaching crucial ‘tipping points’ than was previously thought. It is believed the consequences of triggering certain tipping points may already be being felt.

Chart

As the chart above proves beyond any doubt, even a slight rise in the number of tweets questioning the logic, or effectiveness, of the ‘School Strike For Climate’ could push Greta Thunberg’s advisers and supporters to tears, triggering an immediate rise in salt water levels around the world. “The science is settled and this rise in sea levels will undoubtedly have a much more drastic affect on the younger generation, as they tend to be smaller.”

It is believed just a single blog post adopting a mocking tone could be catastrophic for the planet.

Greta has been variously criticised for not smiling enough, or for threatening deniers with setting their house on fire, but she stands by her statements. “How can they continue to deny the science when the evidence has been shared online for all to see?  If time travel is ‘fake science’ then how do they explain the photo of me in the Yukon goldmine?”

#fridaysforbacktothefuture

“This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be up here. I should be back in school, on the other side of the ocean.”

Greta Thunberg, TIME Magazine Person of the Year 1898.