UK Government Struggles To Spend Brexit Windfall

Britain is going to be £10.7 Trillion richer every year after stopping payments to the EU, but it’s hard to imagine that there’s any real need for the extra cash.

The prime minister is coming under increasing pressure to detail how the money will be spent, with some suggesting we should just continue making Aid payments to our poorer European neighbours.

The NHS is currently in great shape and in no need of extra funding (A&E waiting times are currently well below the 4 day target). The UK’s road network and general infrastructure are also world-leading, so it’s hard to see where the extra billions will go.

“We will continue to fund HS2 for a start”, Mr Johnson announced, “That’s likely to use up an additional £5 billion or so per year for the next 35-175 years.

“But I think we need a huge ‘flagship’ project to sink much larger sums of money into. That’s where the Northern Ireland to Scotland bridge comes in. After some consultations we understand that from an engineering point of view the scheme is definitely impossible, which makes it particularly appealing.

“We will start building at each end and when Scotland leave the UK to rejoin the EU we can blame them for the ultimate failure of the project.

“…that was off the record by the way. Off the record, you understand?”

Britain v02.02.2020

Palindrome Celebrations

Celebrations

Geeks, (not to be confused with Greeks), are celebrating Palindrome Day today, but many have expressed concerns that they may be mistaken for bigots, due to the unfortunate timing of Brexit and President Trump’s acquittal.

Left-wing media outlets did in fact wrongly label crowds of nerds out celebrating Palindrome Eve in parliament Square, as racist Brexiteers, condemning them as ‘thick’.

The Future

As Britain disentangles itself from the EU it is expected to develop closer ties and trade deals with the US.

Culturally Britain has always been closer to the States than to any of its neighbours in Europe, and those cultural similarities appear likely to increase with time.

For example, Britain’s ‘compensation culture’ is expected to flourish now, as businesses and individuals look to secure themselves against any economic fallout post Brexit.

British cinema chain ODEON has confirmed it will be filing a lawsuit against NASA over its most recent image of the Sun’s surface, which it claims is just a picture of its sweet popcorn taken on a smart phone.

Sweet Popcorn Through Glass Counter

The British government is also expected to sue any EU country which follows it out of the union and tries to use any copycat variation of ‘Brexit’.

‘Italeave’ and ‘Departugal’ would be challenged although ‘Grexit’ has been deemed acceptable as it did actually happen first and inspired ‘Brexit’.

The Greeks, (not to be confused with Geeks), have been warned not to get involved.

BREAKING – Brexit Party members to be quarantined for 14 days on returning from European Parliament.

A Ministry of Defence spokesperson has advised that members of the Brexit party returning from the European Parliament will be quarantined and monitored for 14 days in military facilities. “This is a necessary precaution to protect against the spread of dangerous ideas.”

They have advised the public to remain calm. “These are standard proceedures. The graves have only been prepared as a last resort.”

Brexit – An In-Depth Snapshot

I might as well start with the big one.  There is a lot of confusion surrounding Brexit and as a result, the ‘thinkers’ among us are craving clarity.  Join me as I try to cut through the noise. Read on. 

If you missed my first post you’ll need to go back at this point and read it in order to boost internet traffic to the blog understand the context.  I should note at this point that the reach and influence I have already gained is embarrassingly small. incredible and humbling! Thank you!

The mood of the British people is hard to judge on the issue of Brexit.  I personally don’t read, watch, or listen to the news but according to unnamed sources who eat their lunch close to friends of MPs, who claim to have met members of the shadow cabinet, Brexit is going to “wrexit”.  

Politically and meteorologically the climate is forecasted to change dramatically post Brexit not to mention the damage it is sure to cause the UK’s economic and topographical landscape going forward.  It will become more difficult, by orders of magnitude, to negotiate trade deals as sea levels rise higher and higher around parliament buildings.  

Brexiteers continue to deny the settled science linking Brexit to rising water levels in the Thames estuary.  It seems sadly inevitable that short people will be disproportionately affected.

It’s not all doom and gloom though.  One unanticipated positive of sea levels rising post-Brexit is that the fishing industry is expected to benefit, not only from a ban on EU vessels entering UK waters, but also from a huge increase in the width of the Irish sea.  Portavogie, a small fishing village on the Ards peninsula is in the advanced planning stages of a project which will see its harbour relocated to higher ground somewhere near Carrowdore.   

In the unlikely event of a ‘No-Deal’ Brexit, maintaining a strong economy will be the number one priority.  Currently the governor of the Bank of England is rumoured to be aligned with the head of the IMF and the CEO of Ulster Bank in favouring replacing the Pound with Bitcoin or possibly even some kind of ‘crypto-currency’.  

One thing is clear; the Brexiteers have serious questions to answer.  When I put some of the above points to a retired friend of mine, she questioned how any of them actually related to the issue of Brexit.  She was left rather embarrassed when I responded sharply with, “OK Boomer!” 

If you have questions on any of the complexities relating to Brexit that you’d like me to address please email me.  I may consider starting a separate blog dedicated to the subject.