Deepfake Video Portrays Bezos, Musk As Egomaniacs

A disturbing ‘deepfake’ video has gone viral on the internet today.  The eerily real looking ‘mockumentary’ portrays Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos as slightly nutty billionaire egomaniacs. 

In a hilariously OTT moment at the start of the clip, Elon Musk, (smoking weed, while discussing his own Rap single about a gorilla!) is heard calling Bill Gates “underwhelming” because he bought a Porsche rather than a Tesla.

The video takes a darker turn however when Musk is portrayed as a complete lunatic, claiming that he believes humanity might actually exist within a computer simulation akin to the Matrix.  “It would seem that the odds that we’re in ‘base reality’ is one in billions.” 

Jeff Bezos is also portrayed in a less than flattering light.  As the richest man in the world he obviously ensures that his company, Amazon, rewards its staff with very generous pay and benefits, however in the fake video it is implied that some staff work on zero hour contracts with harsh working conditions, all while he enjoys his vast wealth. 

The mockumentary suggests that rather than using his wealth to improve the lives of his employees, Bezos, like Musk, invest huge sums in ridiculous sounding companies involved in space travel as well as health start-ups whose aim is to ‘halt aging’ in humans with the goal to allow those with enough resources to live forever.  

In one particularly haunting moment, a smartly edited clip purports to show hundreds of employees apparently leaving an Amazon warehouse and walking up to 12 miles to get home to apartments they can’t afford to rent, while Bezos travels by helicopter to purchase another new house he doesn’t need for £127million (0.13% of his net worth). 

The video ends with a straight faced Musk stating that his own company ‘Space-X’, plans to send humans on a one-way trip to colonise Mars within the next decade! 

Obviously the video is a ridiculous work of fiction from start to finish, but the growing fear is that the technology being used to create these ‘deepfakes’ could be used maliciously to create more believable videos that would fool large numbers of people. 

Imagine for example a video showing a CNN news anchor openly laughing at and mocking conservatives.  If a video like that were to be believed by enough people the damage to the company’s reputation would undoubtably be huge and obviously the news anchor would lose their job. 

Ironically Elon Musk has spoken on a number of occasions about the dangers of artificial intelligence.  In his usual sensible and understated style he advised at a recent forum that “AI is our biggest existential threat” and that it is “more dangerous than nukes.” 

“With artificial intelligence we are summoning the demon. In all those stories where there’s the guy with the pentagram and the holy water, it’s like yeah he’s sure he can control the demon. Didn’t work out.”

Elon Musk

Covid-19 Polls Higher Than Remaining Democrat Candidates

Following the latest televised debate one latecomer candidate has been skyrocketing in popularity.

Presidential Hopeful

In the last few hours Coronavirus has been topping the polls in terms of economic policies and moral issues.  It has a clean record on sexism in the workplace and although not without flaws, its history is well documented meaning damaging, last-minute revelations are thought to be unlikely. 

When compared to the remaining candidates Covid-19 does seem to have them beaten on most issues.  It proudly represents all the values the average democrat voter is looking for:

  • Not a billionaire
  • Not as annoying as Elizabeth Warren
  • Infectious personality
  • Contagious energy
  • Has never supported ‘stop-and-frisk’
  • Strong relationship with China
  • Less creepy than Biden
  • Better healthcare plan than Buttigieg
  • Lives and works in middle class neighbourhoods
  • No plans to make Hillary Clinton a running mate
  • Immune to ‘suicide’
  • Globalist, in favour of open borders
  • Strong focus on the weak and elderly members of society
  • Places no value on the life of unborn babies   
  • Not a white male

Senior people in the party are thought to be fast reaching a consensus, with one member saying, “I think when everything is taken into account, Covid is our least polarising candidate and the one who I think most voters will be able get behind.

“Remember the priority is to get rid of Trump.  Anything is better than Trump.”

The aspiring global pandemic and democratic presidential hopeful is reported to have offered to host the next debate on a cruise ship. 

“Not all Democrats are the same.”

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

UK Government Struggles To Spend Brexit Windfall

Britain is going to be £10.7 Trillion richer every year after stopping payments to the EU, but it’s hard to imagine that there’s any real need for the extra cash.

The prime minister is coming under increasing pressure to detail how the money will be spent, with some suggesting we should just continue making Aid payments to our poorer European neighbours.

The NHS is currently in great shape and in no need of extra funding (A&E waiting times are currently well below the 4 day target). The UK’s road network and general infrastructure are also world-leading, so it’s hard to see where the extra billions will go.

“We will continue to fund HS2 for a start”, Mr Johnson announced, “That’s likely to use up an additional £5 billion or so per year for the next 35-175 years.

“But I think we need a huge ‘flagship’ project to sink much larger sums of money into. That’s where the Northern Ireland to Scotland bridge comes in. After some consultations we understand that from an engineering point of view the scheme is definitely impossible, which makes it particularly appealing.

“We will start building at each end and when Scotland leave the UK to rejoin the EU we can blame them for the ultimate failure of the project.

“…that was off the record by the way. Off the record, you understand?”

“I Love Cows”

After winning the Oscar for Best Actor last night, Joaquin Pheonix made a humble and eloquent speech calling for an end to injustice against cows. 

Cows

“I’m full of so much gratitude now. I do not feel elevated above any of my fellow nominees or anyone in this room, because we share the same love – that’s the love of cows.”

He went on to say that his career in acting had given him an extraordinary life with may privileges and opportunities.

“..but I think the greatest gift that it’s given me, and many people in [this industry] is the opportunity to use our voice for the voiceless. Cows probably do communicate with each other by mooing, but for many cows English wouldn’t be their first language.”

He condemned the attitude of entitlement on display around the world as people continue to plunder the earth for its natural resources.  His harshest criticism appeared to be reserved for dairy farmers for the way they take milk from cows without gaining consent from the animal, to provide nourishment for their own children, again without any formal written consent from the infant.

He concluded with an impassioned call for change, citing himself as an example to be followed.

“We fear the idea of personal change, because we think we need to sacrifice something; to give something up. But human beings at our best are so creative and inventive.  I only use water in my cereal now, and have done so for many weeks. 

“I have been a scoundrel all my life, I’ve been selfish. I’ve been cruel at times, putting milk on my cereal, sometimes even in my coffee and I’m grateful that so many of you in this room have given me a second chance.”

As he returned to his seat, applause erupted, with many actors seen reacting to his speech with tears.

I have approached a number of dairy farmers for comment but at time of publishing none that I had spoken to showed any indication that they knew, or indeed cared who Joaquin Pheonix was. 

One local farmer commented, ”I don’t know who he is, but he sounds like a joker to me.”

Pelosi’s Adviser Speaks Out

Nancy Pelosi’s adviser has spoken out publicly AGAINST the Speaker, stating that she did NOT support her decision to rip up the president’s State Of The Union speech.

“In my email I advised Nancy that it might be good for public perception if she could conjure some human emotion and ‘tear up’ when the president finished his speech. I was as shocked as everyone else when she started to tear up the speech.

“It has certainly been a lesson learned for me – avoid homonyms when writing emails!!”

Britain v02.02.2020

Palindrome Celebrations

Celebrations

Geeks, (not to be confused with Greeks), are celebrating Palindrome Day today, but many have expressed concerns that they may be mistaken for bigots, due to the unfortunate timing of Brexit and President Trump’s acquittal.

Left-wing media outlets did in fact wrongly label crowds of nerds out celebrating Palindrome Eve in parliament Square, as racist Brexiteers, condemning them as ‘thick’.

The Future

As Britain disentangles itself from the EU it is expected to develop closer ties and trade deals with the US.

Culturally Britain has always been closer to the States than to any of its neighbours in Europe, and those cultural similarities appear likely to increase with time.

For example, Britain’s ‘compensation culture’ is expected to flourish now, as businesses and individuals look to secure themselves against any economic fallout post Brexit.

British cinema chain ODEON has confirmed it will be filing a lawsuit against NASA over its most recent image of the Sun’s surface, which it claims is just a picture of its sweet popcorn taken on a smart phone.

Sweet Popcorn Through Glass Counter

The British government is also expected to sue any EU country which follows it out of the union and tries to use any copycat variation of ‘Brexit’.

‘Italeave’ and ‘Departugal’ would be challenged although ‘Grexit’ has been deemed acceptable as it did actually happen first and inspired ‘Brexit’.

The Greeks, (not to be confused with Geeks), have been warned not to get involved.

BREAKING – Brexit Party members to be quarantined for 14 days on returning from European Parliament.

A Ministry of Defence spokesperson has advised that members of the Brexit party returning from the European Parliament will be quarantined and monitored for 14 days in military facilities. “This is a necessary precaution to protect against the spread of dangerous ideas.”

They have advised the public to remain calm. “These are standard proceedures. The graves have only been prepared as a last resort.”

Davos 2020 Review

The World Economic Forum meets each year in Davos-Klosters and is the ‘foremost creative force for engaging the world’s top leaders in collaborative activities to shape the global, regional and industry agendas’.  The gathering is generally acknowledged by the mainsteam media as the Illuminati operating in plain sight.  

Here are some of the highlights so far:

The theme for Davos 2020 is ‘Stakeholders for a Cohesive and Sustainable World’. 

With a main focus being on sustainability, many of those invited are not expected to arrive for a few weeks as, motivated by ‘Flight Shame’, they endeavor to travel using only sustainable means of transport.  

Even as many world leaders were still cycling towards Davos, Greta Thunberg took to the stage to deliver another withering attack on their efforts.  “Your quads should be burning right now…like, really on fire!” “You should be dying to stand up. You should really, really want to, but I’m not going to let you!” 

Prince Charles, was introduced to Ms Thunberg backstage and took the opportunity to ask if she would be willing to take on the role of Duchess of Sussex.  She reportedly responded positively to the idea, but said she would have to ask her dad.  

In a surprise appearance at the forum, Lego executives have announced the company will stop using plastic to manufacture it’s famous bricks and will instead be using recycled toilet paper.  “Following the success of McDonalds’ switch to paper straws we simply could no longer justify the quantity of plastic produced or the number of horrific foot injuries inflicted each and every day.”  The company has also advised owners of the legacy plastic ‘death’ bricks on responsible methods to dispose of them. “Do not throw them in the ocean, if possible.”

Shark stepping on a Lego

Donald Trump, still at odds with many on the issue of climate change, used the forum primarily to promote the deal he has signed with China.  “This is by far the biggest and most comprehensive deal made in the history of our country and even the world. We have signed an agreement that is not only historic in terms of trade but also includes a firm commitment from China to investigate corruption relating to Joe and Hunter Biden.”  “You should all be feeling very grateful.”

Canadian Immigration is increasing at an alarming rate after a husband and wife recently relocated to the country with their baby son.  This is a 300% increase on last year, and the country is contemplating declaring a state of emergency. “We may have to consider building a border wall, although we would make the United Kingdom pay for it.”  

Boris Johnson is notably absent at Davos this year, and the only member of his cabinet to attend –Sajid Javid the chancellor, is keeping a relatively low profile.  When asked why Mr Johnson had failed to attend Mr Javid declined to offer any explanation.  (Mr Johnson was photographed just last night in the back garden of Number 10, putting the finishing touches to a wooden model of a London bus).

Appearing to be more interested in promoting the UK government’s recently set up ‘GoFundMe’ page for the HS2 high speed rail project, Mr Javid said “We are asking countries to donate generously while at the same time reminding everyone that we still have nuclear capability.”

“Dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… our freedom!”

Donald Trump

It Was Nice While It Lasted, So It Was

Over the last week there have been encouraging signs in Northern Ireland politics, but the positivity is quickly evaporating as a number of new issues come to light.  

Agreement had been reached to form a new executive at Stormont, but after being advised that it would cost approximately £735bn to get the country going again, the UK government has agreed to provide just £1bn.  

Local MLA’s voiced their concerns at the figure.  “That amount probably won’t even cover reimbursing us for accrued holiday entitlement over the last 3 years, nevermind addressing nurses pay, or waiting times!”  (Waiting times in Northern Ireland barber shops are among the worst in the UK and frequently go beyond the 4-hour target.)

Now, following an even more troubling revelation, Stormont looks set to close its doors again, barely one week after parties agreed a deal.

Sinn Fein have expressed their excitement after another financial scandal centering around the DUP has been uncovered.  

Today it emerged that over the past 3 years, the Guardian, in partnership with Belfast Live, have been conducting a special investigation into a number of DUP members and their financial arrangements.  

The investigation has revealed that a large number of current and past MLA’s have been detected signing up for consecutive 1-month free trials on both Amazon Prime and Netflix services, using multiple Gmail accounts.

When questioned, Arlene Foster denied having any knowledge of such a loophole but has defended her party in a statement this afternoon.  “While I do not condone this, I would urge calm, and ask the public not to play into the hands of those who want to demonise the DUP.”  

“Consideration should also be given to the context and timing of this.  Over the last 3 years there has been no assembly at stormont, and Prime Video in particular, does provide a large library of original and exclusive films, and box sets, which I know many MLA’s from all parties have found invaluable in passing the time.”

Michelle O’Neill made an official televised statement on behalf of her party, in which she shouted, “This has always been a red line for Sinn Fein!  The ‘TV-For-Free’ scandal directly undermines the Good Friday Agreement. Arlene Foster must stand aside to allow a full inquiry to be set up.”

In response, Gregory Campbell blasted Sinn Fein for what he branded their ‘hypocrisy’, saying, “Do not forget, it was Sinn Fein who repeatedly,  failed to condemn the widespread supply of cracked Fire Sticks, pre-loaded with Kodi, into their own community.”  

Amazon were also quick to comment on the crisis.  In a tweet the company advised that it “would continue to deliver for the people of Northern Ireland.” *  

“Don’t give up! I believe in you all. A person’s a person, no matter how small! And you very small persons will not have to die. If you make yourselves heard! So come on, now, and TRY!”

Boris Johnson

In other news, a 33 year old man has been shot in both legs in a ‘paramilitary style’ attack for posting fake news stories and “all kinds of dumb content” on his blog.  

MLA’s from both sides of the community, (and neither), have been careful to show a united front.  “We stand together, and in full support of the gunman in this instance. This is a quiet and sensible community and we hope this serves as a lesson to avoid this kind of silly behaviour.”  

*Sometimes UK delivery does not include Northern Ireland and additional charges may apply.  

Harry and Meghan Do Runner

It’s been a big week for Harry and Meghan!

The Royal Family have been completely blindsided and are said to be “hurt” at the Duchess of Sussex and husband Harry’s announcement that after “many months of reflection and internal discussions”, they will be managing their own Instagram.

It is understood they did not consult the queen.

In a rather short statement, the palace said there were “complicated issues” to work through. “They will probably need a new username and password and stuff.”

Harry also said they intend “to step back as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family, and work to become financially minted”.

Despite the couple’s decision, Harry will remain sixth in line to the throne. Meghan has previously stated that were Harry to ascend the throne they will be making a trip to IKEA as the current chair is a “mingin’ gold colour.”

They now plan to split their time between the UK and North America, while “continuing to honour our duty to the Queen, the Commonwealth, and the destruction of the british tabloid media.”

“This geographic balance will enable us to raise our son with an appreciation for the royal tradition into which he was born, while also providing us with a good excuse not to have any more than the absolute minimum contact with Harry’s family, …I mean, do charity work.” Meghan said.

Meghan had recently opened up about her struggles with royal life and shared that her friends actually tried to warn her not to marry Harry. “My American friends were really excited that I was going to be a princess but some of my British friends were like, “Do you realise he’s ginger?” “They warned me it would ruin my life.”

“In all fairness, I had no idea just how ginger, which probably sounds difficult to understand,” she continues, “Because I’m american, I very naively didn’t get it.”

Interesting and exciting times lie ahead for the couple. At publishing time they have yet to post a ‘Which Disney Are You?’ Instagram story.

“Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.”

HM Queen Elizabeth II